Are "Should" and "Ought" Blocking Your Path to Love?

By: Kathryn Lord

Have you heard yourself saying things like "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love" or "I should know if he (or she) is the right one for me"? Or how about "We should have... (fill in the blank: the same sense of humor, a similar background, or compatible taste in furniture)"?

I find that lots of singles have rules that guide their love life. Some rules make good sense (like only dating people who are really single and available, economically stable, and live within the law). But many rules are unrealistic, harsh, or based on romantic myths. Then these singles end up comparing their dates with their guidelines, sensible or not, and making life decisions that have enormous consequences.

I am a romance coach, but I have also been a psychotherapist for over 30 years. I learned long ago to listen carefully to the language my clients use when they talk about themselves and their lives. In particular, I'd watch for the words "should" and "ought."

What's wrong with 'should' and 'ought'

While exceedingly and commonly used, "should" and "ought" could easily be eliminated from our vocabulary. At the very least, we would all feel a lot better. Should and ought are guilt-producing words: "I should spend more time with my mother," "I really ought to lose some weight." The sayer doesn't really intend to do what he is shoulding or oughting. If so, he'd say, "I will spend more time with Mom," or "I'm going to start dieting today."

Shoulding and oughting are like giving yourself a lash on the back: You are punishing yourself with your "I should" or "I ought" statements. Your guilt is eased with your punishment, making it possible to go on with your life, while never following through with what you said you should or ought to do.

In the case of love, shoulds and oughts give us a way out when we need it, just like being picky. Looking for love is loaded with anxiety: "What if it doesn't work?" "What if I find out I don't really love her?" "What if he finds out about (you fill in the blank)?" When your anxiety screams for relief, pulling out a good old should or ought can provide your escape hatch.

Top 'shoulds' and 'oughts': Road blocks to love

Let's look at some common shoulds and oughts more closely, so that we can see the errors in thinking:

1. "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love." Odd as it may sound, some people never feel the intoxicating sensations we think of as "being in love." The ability to fall in love is on a continuum:Some people fall in and out of love very easily, some people never do. Most of us are somewhere in between. Those people who never "fall in love" are still quite capable of loving and forming relationships. If you find yourself waiting for the "in love" sensation which never comes, the "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love" could keep you permanently single.

2. "I should know if he (or she) is the right one for me." Really? How? Of course there are better or worse choices, but assuming that your date meets your criteria of "good person" and the two of you enjoy each other, seem compatible, and don't irritate the heck out of each other, what more do you need? This "should" may be connected to your "falling in love" ability: If you are able to "fall in love," that biochemical process (it's like being drunk or high) helps surge you forward into a permanent relationship and over any questions or doubts.

3. "We should share the same ... (fill in the blank)." Why? One of the wonderful parts about finding a life partner is all the things that he or she knows and you don't, or is and you are not. Think of what you can learn from the differences. Or what you won't have to learn because your partner already knows.

Yes, some similarity is good, but why would you want someone just like you? You may be pretty terrific, but how boring would it be to be married to your carbon copy!
So pay attention to your inner thoughts about love and your dates. If "should" or "ought" crop up in your thinking, take note and challenge yourself. You may have set up a condition that is road-blocking your search for love.

P.S. If worrying about a new partner discovering some secret of yours is keeping you from pursuing love, find out how to deal with your worst in my article "Do You Have a Secret? How to Tell Your Sweetheart Your Worst." I'll send it when you subscribe to my free email newsletter at Find-A-Sweetheart.com.

Talking about Britney Flattens Yet Another Foot

Plenty of hollering followed as Brit unwittingly rolled over the photog's ill-placed limb, causing her to raise her hands amid the continuing flashbulb explosion as if to say, "What do you expect me to do?"

In video shot soon after the incident, the meltdown-disposed tabloid topper alternates between looking upset, smiling and hiding her face from the cameras. Later, she was spied making a quick U-turn in an apparent attempt to lose the trailing paparazzi ("Extra" says she was also texting while driving).

This latest incident comes just days after a paparazzo on Brit patrol was injured during a chase, and on the heels of two other flattened foot episodes, one involving a sheriff as she exited a court hearing (also amid a camera swarm) and the other a photographer as she made her way out of a medical building with her lips looking suspiciously plumped.

Speaking of medical buildings, OK! claims she was spotted over the weekend at a plastic surgery clinic in Las Vegas, where she may or may not have undergone a lipo dissolve procedure. Meanwhile, some strange redness spotted Wednesday above her still full lips (see the picture above) has raised questions over whether she had a bad reaction to a pucker procedure.

And finally, TMZ may have gotten to the bottom of the controversy surrounding one of Britney's recent drug test results. Her attorneys will reportedly argue in court Friday that a medication she purportedly takes for attention deficit disorder -- Adderall -- caused a false positive reading.Plenty of hollering followed as Brit unwittingly rolled over the photog's ill-placed limb, causing her to raise her hands amid the continuing flashbulb explosion as if to say, "What do you expect me to do?"

In video shot soon after the incident, the meltdown-disposed tabloid topper alternates between looking upset, smiling and hiding her face from the cameras. Later, she was spied making a quick U-turn in an apparent attempt to lose the trailing paparazzi ("Extra" says she was also texting while driving).

This latest incident comes just days after a paparazzo on Brit patrol was injured during a chase, and on the heels of two other flattened foot episodes, one involving a sheriff as she exited a court hearing (also amid a camera swarm) and the other a photographer as she made her way out of a medical building with her lips looking suspiciously plumped.

Speaking of medical buildings, OK! claims she was spotted over the weekend at a plastic surgery clinic in Las Vegas, where she may or may not have undergone a lipo dissolve procedure. Meanwhile, some strange redness spotted Wednesday above her still full lips (see the picture above) has raised questions over whether she had a bad reaction to a pucker procedure.

And finally, TMZ may have gotten to the bottom of the controversy surrounding one of Britney's recent drug test results. Her attorneys will reportedly argue in court Friday that a medication she purportedly takes for attention deficit disorder -- Adderall -- caused a false positive reading.

Five tips to a healthier, happier home

Make drastic changes without investing too much time or money

For most of us, our house is our home base, and having a happy and pleasant vibe in all of our rooms is critical. TODAY contributor Elizabeth Mayhew says you can make drastic changes without investing too much time or money. In the first part of our weeklong series “Make Your Life Better TODAY: Five Ways in Five Days,” Mayhew shares her five simple improvements to creating a happier home that have radical results.

Five tricks to a happier home

Tip No. 1: Color your way to happiness
Adding color to any room is a drastic mood lifter, and it can be done pretty quickly! Consider painting just one wall a lively color. A bright red, a soothing green or even a vibrant yellow completely changes the feel, and will really affect the vibe of a room. Paint is relatively inexpensive and usually requires just a few hours to do an average wall in most rooms.

Tip No. 2: Celebrate life
First of all, think Flower Power! Fresh flowers are very easy to get at your local grocery market, and they make any room seem more alive. Plants have the same positive effect. There are plenty of types that don't need direct light, and will give your house a sense of energy all year round. Another way to celebrate life is to surround yourself with images of friends and family. Don't keep your photos put away in albums or in your computer. Put them up on the walls to remind yourself of your favorite times and your favorite people.

Tip No. 3: Let there be light
The more points of light in any room, the better. Especially as the days are getting shorter, having warm lighting will help you feel more energized and alive through the winter months. Overhead lighting can be augmented by lamps in several places throughout a room. In your bedroom, put a lamp on either side of your bed. Installing dimmers is also a simple and inexpensive way to make the mood of a room easy to alter. At dimmers.net, for example, you can get a dimmer for just $17.75.

Tip No. 4: Get comfortable
You begin and end almost every day in your bedroom, so make the room an oasis! Have proper bedding and pillows. You will feel well rested, and it will be easier to get up in the morning. Keep clutter to a minimum in your bedroom, and remove anything distracting that will interfere with your sleep. Associate your bedroom with a tranquil, restful escape, not just a room where you get some shut-eye. Upgrade your pillows and bedding at bedbathandbeyond.com.

Tip No. 5: Take control
It's this simple: Clear space = A clear mind. Keep desktops, countertops and tabletops open. Put the papers, files and knickknacks away. Not only will your home feel cleaner, it will feel a whole lot bigger! Maximize your wall space with the elfa shelving system at containerstore.com.